There are some tosses that are just too important not to lose. This may be what Bonnie Prince Charlie said to himself when he walked out to the wicket at Culloden CC. For the wicket was green and soft after a week's rain and the cold wind whipped against his powdered wig under his cap. He threw the silver florin in the air, watching his fate turning over and over as it spun. 'Tails' came the call from the opposing skipper and as the coin softly fell agonisingly on its edge Charlie thought he had it, but over it toppled showing the crest and the motto not King George's head. Tails. And the rest is history.

Similar historical forces faced Fantasy Bob leading Carlton's All Star Fourth XI into their first match of the season. Conditions were no more benign than at Culloden all those years ago. In addition to the softness and greenness of the Kirkbrae wicket was added the decoration of football studs and a bicycle track across the square. Even FB recognised this as a must win toss. A toss that it may be worth cheating to win. And Fantasy Bob had the opportunity. For his opposing skipper came to the middle without a coin. FB advised him that he would forfeit the toss for not having a coin. A fearful look crossed his opponent's face for he was new to this captaincy lark.'Oh no' he said, 'Really.' FB could have pressed home his advantage. He might have quoted some made up rule. he would have been believed. But FB is an honest soul so he admitted the leg pull and offered a coin to the Kirkbrae skipper. Carelessly he did not check that he had passed over the 2 headed coin he keeps in his pocket for such occasions. A normal coin of the realm was spun. FB loyally invited the sovereign's head to present itself to him. But Her Majesty chose to be a stick in the mud. A poor start to the season losing a toss in such a fashion. What were all those indoor nets for?

But to get back to history, this was an afternoon on which records tumbled. The youngest All Stars XI ever to take the field had been carefully assembled - the team included several primary school boys. A rigorous height criterion had been applied by Carlton's selection politburo. So it was also the smallest All Star XI.

Another record that was shattered was the maximum number of layers of clothing ever worn on a cricket field. FB proudly claims this record. For it was FREEZING with the wind coming in off the sea dodging round Arthur's Seat straight from the Steppes where they don't seem to have had the heating on. The few grown ups in the side agreed that it was the coldest afternoon on a cricket field they had ever experienced. DC had to cut short his umpiring stint when frost bite got him.

FB was still layering up when the first wicket fell. Since he had heroically put himself at 3 this made things interesting. It is the nearest he has come to being timed out - which would have been an interesting start to the season. Anyway he made it to the wicket wearing 3 shirts and 2 sweaters above the waist, Skins, thermal tights. compression socks and compression shorts and trousers. His pads and his box count as another layer.

Fantasy Bob battles the elements ... and the Kirk Brae attack

Scoring was not easy and only Keith and Kevin managed to get into double figures, each getting to 25 before departing. Their partnership of 42 was the backbone of the innings. Well done to Sam who played well for his 7 at the end to get us to 82 for 9. Credit to all our juniors for ensuring that we were not bowled out. But it was a big ask for them to score with the ball stopping and seaming.

Early wickets were needed and when Dougal got opener Mehdi in his second over a crack appeared. But old hand Muhammad Raja, who has played on this type of track for a lifetime, buck led down. So late did he play the ball that our fielders were all arms in the air convinced the ball was through, when suddenly down came the bat. A strong bottom hand also allowed him to lift the ball for runs into the leg side. He finished on 27* in yet another man of the match performance against Carlton. A wicket apiece to DC who bowled his usual miserly spell and to Callum who bowled nicely without delivering the match winning double hattrick that the skipper ordered. Ruraidh spun it square without any luck a few shots in the air just missing fielders. Credit also to Angus who turned his arm over when the game was on the verge of being won. All the not so tall members of the All Stars fielded with gusto - FB still cannot understand it how boys who are half his height can throw the ball 20 times further than he can. Some things are just meant to be mysteries.

Many thanks to Kirkbrae for a game in fine spirit and justly ran out victors by 7 wickets. We will support any campaign for an artificial strip at Double Hedges. And next time we come to Kirkbrae - please put the heating on.

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Herodotus (484-425 BC) has been called the father of match reports. He is considered to have been the first to collect his materials systematically, test their accuracy to a certain extent and arrange them in a well-constructed and vivid narrative. Prior to him instilling some discipline on the art, match reporters jumped about speculating about anything and everything and invoking divine and chance explanations of events. [Some match reporters are still at it. Ed] Even so some commentators regard Herodotus as unreliable - for example he presents no video evidence of the progress of the Graeco-Persian Wars that form the basis of his Histories. He is prone to report fanciful stories told to him as fact - and later authors suspect that some of his information must have come from phone hacking. Many, for example Edinburgh's own premier batsman David Hume, therefore consider the later writer Thucydides (460-395 BC), who had a stricter approach to evidence gathering and the scrutiny of scorecards, to be the true father of scientific match reporting.

Neither of these historians made themselves available for the Holy Cross 3rd XI who took on Carlton's All Star 4th XI at Peffermill this afternoon. There were unkind suggestions (not from your correspondent, who, while he is younger than Herodotus by some years, is of an age with Thucydides at least) that Holy Cross failed to check their availability, considering they were on the young side for a team of such venerable cricketers. And it was a venerable side indeed that came blinking into the unfamiliar sunshine that bathed Peffermill. Selection for HC had been tough - the whole HC membership had put their names down for this match in the hope that their name would enter the immortal lists of the match report. After all was it not in the report of the last meeting of these teams that CoCo McGill was granted the accolade Sex Bomb? Someone might be lucky enough to gain such a similar accolade. It could make a season. So selection had been tough.

Selection had been tough for Carlton as well. Several of the players taking the field in Carlton's colours had not actually been born when the selection committee met. So the stage was set for the epic and eternal struggle of youth versus age - Seigfried and Wotan, Henry and Falstaff, Oor Wullie and PC Murdoch.

Fantasy Bob made his only contribution to the afternoon's proceedings by winning the toss. The margin of this victory was quite convincing [That sounds like one of those fanciful tales Herodotus reports. Ed]. Given the green all around, he chose to bowl. Adam and DC got proceedings underway. Adam struck immediately, showing the lurking danger in the wicket when a shortish ball seamed and kept low to bowl the ESCA President himself. After checking the rules it was confirmed that such an action is still permitted, although a motion may be presented to the next meeting of the competitions committee. While the legal team is still drafting, your correspondent has seen a leaked version of the proposal - 'Any ball bowling the President by a bowler less than one third his age when he is on 0 will be deemed a no-ball.'

As the innngs started, McGill had provided conclusive evidence that his days of being a Sex Bomb may be over when in his customary umpiring role he tried to tie a Carlton junior's sweater round his waist only to find the arms were not long enough. DC bowled a stuffy spell by even his standards of stuffiness. Had Thucydides been present it may well have reminded him of several spells bowled by Pericles during the Peloponnesian War. 1 for 3 off his 8 overs was actually poor reward for his accuracy but just the control the skipper needed.

A steady stream of raw young talent bowled from the near end, Angus replaced Adam and did that left arm inswing thing that seem to come natural to all the great left armers. He got a good wicket clean bowling the usually useful Din. Sam and Callum were both unlucky not to get among the wickets but gave nothing away. HC skipper Ken Lawrie was run out by a fine direct hit from deep mid on by Eric Edwards. Mike Kennedy replaced DC at the far end, taking one wicket in his first spell before being replaced by Ruairidh who made things awkward for the batsmen by throwing it up at them and getting some astonishing turn even on this low slow track. His 5 overs earned him 1 wicket - his first against the grown ups to a nice catch by Eric. At half way HC were 49 for 5 and Carlton felt more or less in control. McGill (20) (batting in a fetching sleeveless outfit, the reason for which required a narrative explanation almost as long as Thucydides' account of the First Peloponnesian War and which your correspondent has already forgotten), Sharpe (16*) and Graham (14) (both of whom wore sleeves) all became a bit more aggressive in the second half before Mike came back to take 2 wickets in the final overs to end with 3 for 24.

Crossers finished 118 for 8 off the 40 overs. Extras top scored, which confirmed that this was no easy batting track. Carlton's all round fielding was excellent, FB excepted. So Carlton agreed at tea that it was a competitive total - gettable but competitive.

Tea was bounteous. All the youngsters playing today eyeballed the skipper and assured him that they themselves had put the sandwiches together and baked the cakes. This is one of the wilder stories that Herodotus used to repeat and which undermined his claims to write true history. Your correspondent is more than aware that one of the virtues of Carlton's flow of eager youth is that it is Mums who prepare the sandwiches - so he says 'Well done and thank you to Mums'. Such a change from those student types who pop into the newsagents on the way to the game and come out with a jumbo bag of Wotsits, a stale muffin and a packet of Fishermen's Friends which they have the brass neck to present with pride as a serious offering. Your correspondent was also pleased to note that there was a sufficiency of empire biscuits.

The table groaned as well as any banqueting table described by Thucydides. And the Greek historian frequently observed that it is an excellent tactic to provide such plenty for it is bound to slow the opposition down.

Not that the start of the innings showed it. Eric opened with Tom and played some pleasant shots. Tom was unlucky to get a snorter from Sharpe. Angus shaped well until he chased a wide one to give Keith Geddes the first of his 4 wickets and Mike - well, Mike did that Mike thing of trying a defensive shot only to be bowled. [That's why he doesn't trust that shot. He won't try it again this season. Ed] When Eric departed also bowled by Geddes, followed soon by FB, Carlton looked in a bit of trouble at 50 for 6. Your correspondent should rephrase that - Carlton looked in a huge vat of Pelopponesian type trouble.

Tell that to Keith Murray and he will laugh at you. Bit by bit he clawed Carlton back into the game. Sound defence and well placed scoring shots kept us at the 3-4 an over required, allowing the others to bat around him. Adam had a couple of good boundaries in a fine stand of 33. 83 for 7. Keith was finally out for an excellent 39, mis-hitting Nevin to Din. 98 for 8. Who is your money on?

Sam (13 years old) and Ruairidh (11 years old) are now at the crease. This is the stuff that heroes are made of. Herodotus was not around to record the epic events. People may not have believed his account of the succeeding events putting it down to fable or an invocation of the Gods. So it is your correspondent, who tells only the truth unvarnished, who must take up the narrative. 5 overs left, 2 wickets in hand, 21 to win. Or put another way 21 to win, 5 overs left, 2 wickets in hand. Either way you put it, it looks like an uphill climb. What do our young heroes do? Do they panic? No. Do they swing wildly? Certainly not. They get forward. They watch the ball. They play straight and hit the looser ball. They call clearly. They run hard. They are made for the moment.

Run by run the scoreboard ticks on. 'We got the 4 we need in that over,' says Ruairidh to Sam at the end of the over. Ruairidh then eases the pressure by smashing a 4 off Nevin. Din bowls a tight over - only 1 run off it. 2 overs left, 6 to win. A single for Sam, then Ruairidh drives between mid-off and extra and they scamper 3 in the time it would have taken FB to get 1. Last over - 2 to win. Who is your money on? [The editor apologises to the parents of all young players involved for the correspondent's unfortunate references to gambling in his narrative. He has considered removing these references, but concluded that the references are artistically justified in the context of the epic and historical struggle that he is describing. Nevertheless he advises all parents to assure their young ones that the references are metaphorical and are well precedented in Thucydides' if not Herodotus. Ed]

Who is your money on? 6 balls, 2 to win. The bowler is twice as old and more than the 2 batsmen. Din bowls. Dot. Din bowls. A forcing shot from Ruairidh but straight to the fielder. Dot. Din bowls. Ruairidh drives. A fumble. 'Yes, run'. Sam charges. The ball comes to the keeper who has the bails off. 'Howzat?'. FB at square leg can't pretend that he didn't see Sam fail to ground his bat. His finger goes up. A collective sigh on the boundary. In comes DC. his age is undisclosed and the subject of a superinjunction. Last man, 3 balls, 2 to win. Who is your money on now?

Din bowls. DC swings leg side. Misses by a country mile. 2 balls. 2 to win. Din bowls. A flurry of everything and Ruairidh yells 'Yes'. DC is startled into moving faster than he has moved for 20 years. Home. Scores level. 1 ball one to win. Din bowls. Leg side. A pad? A bat? Who knows what it shaves, but it is enough for the keeper to lose sight of the ball. No one knows where it is. Tourists on the top of Arthurs Seat are mystified by the sudden below of 'Yes!' that comes to their ears from they know not where. DC is at full volume and full speed - he arrives at the crease before his call. Ruairidh sprints to the other end. A run! Carlton win.
Carlton have squeezed home to win by 1 wicket off the last ball.

No more heroes anymore? Don't you believe it. Match reporters will tell of this for centuries to come. Keith's resolute knock made it possible. But it was the tenacity of all the youngsters batting which carried us over the line. Tributes to each of them - and special laurel leaves for Sam (5runs) and Ruairidh (16*).

What an enjoyable game. Many thanks to Holy Cross for playing in their usual good spirit. No one should lose a game like this. We all look forward to the return. Let's hope it will be as tense a thriller.

Scorecard

Match reporters have regularly observed on the impacts of hypothermia on many significant campaigns. Key players have too often been lost due to hypothermia and with them vital league points. For example Xenephon in 401 BC led 10,000 of his best cricketers on a retreat through the mountains of what is now Armenia. Only 4,000 survived such was the impact of the cold. Hannibal lost nearly half his 47,000 bowlers in his crossing of the Alps in 218 BC and of the 500,000 casualties in Napoleon’s Russian campaign in 1812-13, the exact number who died from cold can never be known, but in addition to those who died from cold alone, thousands of wounded must have died from the combined effects of their wounds and the cold. Some of these cricketers may well have regretted embarking on that series of matches with only a sleeveless sweater in their bag.

And so Napoleon’s prospects of dominating the league was lost. He was eventually to end up playing beer matches in St Helena when, for the wont of a base layer, he might well have dominated the Test scene for many years.

These are lessons that commanders in the lower leagues of the ESCA leagues would do well to bear in mind. Fantasy Bob, as commander in chief of the Carlton All Stars Fourth XI, was aware of these factors. Once it was established on Sunday morning that the invasion of the Steppes of Largo [Er, surely you mean the Division 8 match. Ed] would proceed, his army’s strategic plan for the looting of league points was bolstered with an urgent text message to all his troops suggesting that they bring additional sweaters.

Thus prepared, the army left Grange Loan in high good humour fondly waved off by a bevy of beautiful young maidens [It looked like the GL groundstaff to me. Ed]. Barring a few skirmishes with speed restrictions and temporary traffic lights, the army found itself at the battlefield [I take it you mean East Drive Largo. Ed] in good time. The wicket looked remarkably healthy after the recent monsoons and was a credit to its groundsman [Who is obviously another fine example of that Doughty breed. Ed]

Carlton’s selection this week had veered away from the previous week’s policy of picking children yet to be born. Instead anyone with the surname Main was automatically selected. 3 could be identified, although a fourth travelled with the army and wrapped in duvets was strategically deployed during the engagement to protect the left flank. [Don’t you mean Ruairidh’s chocolate stash? Ed] Another 8 players not named Main were also included to make up the numbers.

The non-playing Main guards against the onset of hypothermia

FB tossed and lost. The margin of this loss is still the subject of some dispute among historians. [You won’t let this gag go will you – you’ve all the club’s tweeters at it too. Are we to look forward to another 16 versions of it before the season ends. Ed] The Main XI were inserted in what didn’t look propitious circumstances for batting. The sky was heavy, rain could be seen all around and the wind was howling across the ground. A typical day at the Scottish seaside.

Those forebodings seemed justified as Carlton were soon in trouble at 29 for 3 with Feds, Keshav and Dougal back in the relative shelter of the pavilion. All, like Napoleon, architects of their own downfall but none a casualty to hypothermia. Kevin and Rory then laid the foundations of the innings with an excellent partnership of 130. When emergency rations [Drinks? Ed] were taken by the fielding side, things had moved on to 56 for 3. There were concerns that as Kevin approached his 50 he might well be demonstrating the first stages of hypothermia which include paradoxical undressing when he took one of his 18 sweaters off. His beanie hat remained firmly in place so the danger of exposure was reduced.

Kevin smashes a flat six that put the pavilion in danger

Both innings were top quality. There was something in the wicket which required careful shot selection. Driving was not easy but anything short could be hit way. A short boundary on one side was a help when the bowlers strayed – as they did on what were increasingly difficult conditions for bowling. Kevin accelerated rapidly once he passed his 50 peppering the boundary with a fine set of 6s. The ton was in sight when he tried another big one only to get himself stumped on 95. Rory had played the foil to Kevin perfectly, taking no chances but keeping his own score moving. As he tried to accelerate, he was out on 45 shortly after. Ruairidh required to demolish his chocolate stash to compensate for the emotional trauma of being run out by his father. After a few more overs the innings closed on 185 for 7.

Rory looks the part on his way to 45

All round an excellent effort. Largo bowlers found it hard going but the bearded Nairne, possibly a veteran of the Napoleonic wars, returned excellent figures of 3-17 from his 8 overs. There were no reported casualties from hypothermia in the field although DC’s body temperature after his extended umpiring spell was in the danger zone.

Tea was top quality and all body temperatures were restored to something like normal. But during the interval the weather worsened and as Carlton took the field if it wasn’t raining full on, it was definitely wet. Dougal opened the bowling and had immediate success trapping Largo skipper Tooze in front for LBW in the first over. Wickets then fell regularly as all Carlton’s bowlers battled the elements successfully. FB feared that Sam might have succumbed to cold related disease and would have to be left behind curled up on the battlefield but he perked up enough to bowl some good overs and get a good wicket bowling J Gillin when he was looking set. The conditions made it hard for Carlton’s young spinners to grip it and rip it so FB used them sparingly. Ruairidh was so well bundled up that he had to be forcibly peeled of his top layer when he came on to bowl. DC was his usual parsimonious self with 2-16. It is not often your correspondent has to use the word wide and DC in the same sentence but a number of those were wides as he experimented with a new delivery. Clearly he had suffered the first stages of hypothermia while umpiring and this had lodged delusions in his mind for he thought if he started on the line of cover point the wind would carry the ball on the line of off stump. Sadly this circuitous journey did not work.

Your correspondent is also surprised to note that FB out-parsimonied even DC putting down 8 overs for only 7 runs with one wicket. Good catches by Feds and Keshav and a smart run out by David Main also maintained the momentum. But Dougal was Carlton’s main weapon with an excellent return of 4 for 35 – 3 bowled, one LBW which tells the virtue of bowling at the stumps. Perhaps it was disappointing not to bowl Largo out, the last wicket put on 21 and they were left 138 for 9 at the end of the 40 overs. Nairne was again Largo’s top performer with a resolute and attacking 31*.

A fine win in miserable conditions. No casualties left frozen in the outfield. Valuable league points looted and returned to safe keeping in the GL vaults. FB now claims that it was a good toss to lose because the after tea conditions were worse for batting. However they were probably worse for bowling too, so as usual with any of FB’s remarks it means nothing.

Many thanks to Largo for a good and keenly contested sporting match – the wicket was excellent given the week’s conditions. We look forward to an equally well contested match on the return when we hope that the risk of hypothermia is significantly lower.

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